Feared

Currently Listening: The Water is Wide- Charlotte Church
I'm still feeling bad today and I break down last night again, I just don't know what happened to me, maybe it's natural from every teens since we are in the stage of maturity. My feelings were quite weird, weird enough to be expressed on my words. I know no one can understand what I'm going through, because I also can't understand myself. It's so complicated. I try to organize my thoughts but it's still cumbersome and everytime I think of the bright side I'm ending up looking stupid and feeling stupid about myself. Why do I feel fear? I'm feeling afraid of making mistakes again because I don't want to hurt myself and most especially somebody else. Is it natural to be on this critical and crucial stage in life. My feelings are just too heavy, somethings bothering me and the only thing I turned to is God. I prayed to Him to give extra strength and faith, I really feel terrible.
I know now that you can't control people's minds, they have the freedom to think whatever they want to think, that you can never please anyone, that you can't expect that they will give the same amount of love you offered to them and that can only be found in God. Lately I've been so sentimental, whenever I'm alone I tend to drown myself with thoughts that even I could not completely comprehend. I am not happy for now. I know that fact, I feel really terrible. It's like I've killed a dozen people to feel terrible like this. But despite of all, I am trying to be happy and to laugh because I know that this feeling will pass away, soon. I'm praying and I have faith in my prayers.
*Sighs!* i cannot find words to describe enough my feeling. I feel sorry for myself because, even though I tried to be strong, I still ended up being the weakest person. No matter how I tried not to cry, tears still flow through my face and I can't control that. I am afraid that things around might change someday and I won't be able to fit in anymore, I'm afraid that I will loss my family, my true friends, my religion and everything that I cherish the most. I am afraid to sail alone in this world and mostly I am afraid to change what I am. I still want to be vibrant, free-spirited and always laughing, I don't want to people to know that I am emotional, sentimental, sensitive, hot-tempered, perfectionist and selfish.
I didn't know what will happen next, what I learned is that you can't predict what might tomorrow and you can't change the past, even if you still regretted it.
I know I have to focus now, seriously in my studies, but why on earth that this feelings whatsoever, is currently happening to me? How could I study? Hate it!
But I have faith and I hope I will triumphantly pass this stage.

"Strength lies in differences, not in similarities."-Stephen Covey