The Struggle Part 1

The Struggle
"I am not young enough to know everything."
---Oscar Wilde

Right now, I could see gradually why things are happening the way they are. I can see but not so clear that everything that happens to me, there is a "divine reason" for it. Struggling is such a task for me these days. I tried to struggle and I am still struggling very hard. I am now at the point where God will soon judge me as a person and as a servant to Him and me want to be right, just and deserving in receiving His blessings.

I am still struggling to find the right ANSWERS to my unseeingly endless QUESTIONS. I am still struggling to find the truth and the wonder behind these trials. I now I will find it soon and I know that the moment I found it, everything will change and REGRETS will turn to SATISFACTION.SADNESS will be replaced by GLADNESS and DOUBTS will be forever be replaced by HOPE, FAITH and LOVE.

I must change everything. Change is a BIG step to learn new things and to improve everything that surrounds you. Change can HURT people, it also can LOVE people. Change is CONSTANT and no matter how things go, it always CHANGES.

I am now living in a world that is full of FILTHINESS and RUDENESS. Where SELFISHNESS and PRIDE reigns, and where PREJUDICE, DISCRIMINATION, GREED FOR HONOR AND MONEY resides. Where LOVE seems to be a stranger and FEAR seems to be a disease that is so INFECTIOUS. COLDNESS of the heart is everywhere and INCONSIDERATE acts are in all of us. It’s hard to live in this kind of place. It draws and attracts everything that is in you. It influences your acts,your attitude and your RELATIONSHIP with GOD. It is so DEADLY and FATAL that you don't want to imagine what will it may bring to your life. KILLINGS are everywhere. TERRORISM haunts our countries.
POVERTY still cannot be eradicate. STARVATION, especially in AFRICA. MALNUTRITION of many children. CORRUPTION is now a legal act. It's really tiring and frustrating how the world turned out.
The environment also gradually DETORIATES, ENDANGERED species increased, KILLINGS of POOR marine ANIMALS and most of all the controversial GLOBAL WARMING, that we can really feel it's effects, in the weather and in the food that we eat.

It can all be change, if we will start within ourselves. Many people commit sins, think bad things because we THOUGHT that everythings seems to be out of order,
we THOUGHT that God leaves us already but HE did not leave us. HE wants us to return to HIM. Because PEOPLE have become MATERIALISTIC, SUPERFICIAL and embedded with PRIDE. The ROOT in everything that is happening now is "SIN". Sin departs us from God and without Jesus, God would still be angry to us. But so many people still are not willing to come back to God, so things happen. God is giving us a CHANCE, a CHANCE to CHANGE and a CHANCE to SURRENDER to HIM FULLY. All the bad things we are encountering in our lives, it is either a TRIAL or a CURSE and you can easily distinguished those two words.

Though right now, I think that life on earth will still get WORSE. We can still CHANGE because there's still a CHANCE. GOD is KINDER than you THINK. GOD LOVES US.

Learning to Breathe

My life will always be colorful. Puro na lang ba tungkol sa buhay ko?. Of course, this is my blog and I have the authority and the power to rule in this little world of mine. Life offers me many things, but it's just that I can't seem to handle it all. Life wants me to learns many things, but it seems that I am not too strong to survive it all. Life wants me to realize so many things, but it seems that I am too weak to surpass them all.

Sabi nga nila, walang ibibigay ang Diyos na pagsubok na hindi mo kaya.

In my mind, though these trialsss is so endless, I still don't lose HOPE and FAITH. But what if one day I collapse and got a mild stroke due to excessive thinking of these problems? Kaya ko pa kaya?

My feelings are not that great at these moment of time. I am still feeling that pain....the pain that still hunts me everytime before I go to sleep, that "pain" that make me cry even harder, that "pain" that makes me regret all the things I have in the past. When will I get over it? When will I realize that being hurt by someone is just part of this "life"? hmm...

While I am still lingering those thoughts, my country seems to be also in great trouble and great depression. Yesterday, we celebrated People Power 1's 22nd aniversary. Ang sakit sa ulo di ba? My pinoproblema ka na nga eh nakikisabay pa ang mga bagay sa paligid mo. Siguro, kung ako walang napag-aralan, matagal na akong binibisita sa Mental Hospital. Nakakabaliw lang ang mga pangyayari. Sometimes, though it seems so funny, naisip ko nang mag-suicide, you feel so alone, depressed and you just wanna end up this life. Now, I feel those suicide attempters. Haha.

Right now, I am reading Elizabeth Gilbert's Bestseller Novel: Eat, Love, Pray. I am enjoying reading it, laughing along as I put myself again through its pages. It seems that it's been a while since I read a book and reading really seems to be my best hobby besides playing piano.

Well, that's all for now. I have to pray alot.

LIVE AND LEARN

I am so blessed because I have friends that support me through all of this tough times I am still struggling. Kath just tagged me and she is right, God has a reason and purpose for everything. But I think just for now, I will choose La Salle over UP.
Pero di ko pa nga lam kung papasa ako La Salle...haha!Anyways, someday I will study at UP. I just don't want to file for reconsideration.May mga bagay pa akong dapat matutunanbut I think failing to pass UP is a "wake-up call" for me. I have taken for granted things. Hindi ko naseryoso ang mga bagay-bagay nung nasa Masci ako. I know I deserve all of this. I have been down for weeks and crying secretly. Pero oks na ako ngayon. I can smile merrily again.

Hindi ko naman kawalan pag di ako nakapasa UP, mas kawalan ng UP yon!!! haha.......Peace UP! Joke lang po....

I already made up my mind, this time there's no turning back, this time YOU MARK MY WORDS! I will study hard and study very, very hard like I used to do. Bad thing is that IF I pass La Salle I will have a tuition fee that costs too much. Hay! Di kasi ako sanay eh... sa masci walang tuition fee kasi pero sabi ni Mommy para din daw ako may tuition fee sa gastos ko..haha!

I know that I will surpass all these trials. Though I don't know HOW many trials God will still give me, I know I can do this. Mahirap talaga minsan, pero kailangang lunukin at matuto.LIVE AND LEARN, that's what life is all about. Magmamasteral ako sa UP...don't worry. UP still will be my "dream" school.... Thanks!

Life is a Carousel

They say that Life is a Carousel. Sometimes you're up sometimes you're down. At this point in my life, I am facing the BIGGEST challenges ever and right now, I am at the lowest point.

I didn't pass UP..... so there's a catch.


Regrets are flying all over my head...... If only.... If I could...If I could just have....

There's a time that tears will suddenly run down thru my face without knowing it. There are times that I just want to be happy and forget everything.

UP is the school for me....I think. It's my only chance....My one and only chance.

I pass UST... with a course in Biology.... but.....

There's the but.....

But that's a Catholic University of the Philippines. Though persuing my medical dreams at UST would be a great alternative for UP. It still won't work out. It's against what WE believe.

I am now enrolling at DLSU-D. I don't know. I am not sure. I have already DONE a bad thing now and I still want to do more.

I don't deserve this..... do i?

Yes.... for heaven's sake.... I know I deserve this DOWNFALL.

I envy so many people....

But the most desirable thing that I want....

still...

at the end...

I FAILED to achieve it.

You know why on f*cking earth I do study in Masci?.....

Because i want to study at UP.....

Sorry for the obscene word but my emotions are still at it's highest point and I want the world to know.....

that.....

taking for granted and being HAPPY-GO-LUCKY doesn't do anything good in your life.....

There are times that I feel that I am studying at UP and I am living my dreams at it's fullest......

Damn those moments....

I know that not passing in UP doesn't mean you're gonna end your life and you're career.....

But I who have studied in MASCI.....

This is the end......

Do I regret studying at Masci?.....

Sometimes....yess....

But many times no...............

I have been crying for almost 3 WEEKS.....

I have been down for almost 3 WEEKS.....

I have been with a fight with my parents for almost 3 WEEKS....

My parents have once told me na nagbago daw ako... wala daw akong ginawa kundi maggala, di na daw ako nag-aaral.... kaya eto ang consequence na kailangan kong harapin.... TRUTH REALLY HURTS. I have to face the fact na totoo yung sinasabi nila. That's why I really hate myself now. Hindi naman ako ganito dati, hindi ako sanay sa mga galaan, I study my lessons really hard. Nung grade school, I seldom get a failing grade on quizzes and test. But now, ok lang sa akin kahit mababa yung mga scores ko.... Ang ipinagtataka ko lang. Why on earth that when I studied at Masci.... I have seem to take advantage on all things....I have taken for granted all the things. Nawala na sa isip ko yung UP. Maybe there are those temptations that surrounds me.... malls, peer pressure. Ang bigat bigat pa rin ng loob ko ngayon. I still want to cry. Pero may magagawa pa ba ako? Meron....gagawa ako ng TIME MACHINE para pabalikin ang oras. But I can't do that. That's stupid. I am none-sense. Feeling ko ngayon ay isa akong walang kwentang tao.

I am STILL waiting... that someday.... I will be happy once and for all... but this big blow that happened to me.... I think I will REGRET this FOREVER.