Sleepless nights, again has been through me and I'm a bit exhausted. School days has just begun and I am dead tired. It seems that Masci has no new year resolution because they have the same routine that they try to impose to us: overload assignments, overload projects, portfolios, mind-cracking test and too much pressure-which usual. What I am lonely about is that I will not be able again to go to church every thursday, because I am studying FAR away from home, oh..If only I could make a 30 minute commuting from Manila to Cavite, I will do everything. Well I guess, there's nothing more to change.
My mind is somewhat settled and fixed, I WILL BE A DOCTOR! haha...So ambitious, but there nothing wrong about dreaming. My dad says that I should already decide what course will I be taking up for college and by now I should already have something in my mind. Being a doctor is somewhat I want since I am in prep, when my teacher asked me when I was little what I want to be: I said I want to be a doctor. Why? I know that it is because it is somewhat the "in" ambition when I was little, all my classmates and friends says that they want to be a doctor, some wants to be a nurse or engineer but doctor is the most dominant of their ambitions. So I just said I want to be a doctor. Many years have passed, I've encountered many people with different occupations and hobbies, and of course my ambition change, I said to myself I want to be a cashier! haha...sound funny, but seriously at my tender age, I really want to be a cashier, because I so like the machine that they use. haha...Then, my mind became somewhat matured and I want to be a Marine Biologist! Yes, I once said to myself, this is what I am gonna take up when I will be in college, I love swimming and I love the view under the sea because when I under, it feels a different world, a quiet and peaceful world, but that changed! Then, tada! I want to be a doctor, I guess this is for me, to be a doctor....I once watched a movie about doctors who try to cure a blue baby and I was so nervous when they performed the operation to the baby, my heart is palpating, nervous and excited. I guess that's what doctors feel when they were trying to save a persons life. I want to feel that, I want to feel that feeling that I was able to connect another life to a person.
So I am becoming a so trying hard in studying well my subjects and finishing the requirements that I should pass. Exhausted! That's what I'm feeling today, so exhausted, maybe due to personal problems and I want to just forget about it. What I am proud about myself is that, I am good in hiding..hiding my feelings to people I don't want to be hurt. I can smile when I feel so really bad, I can laugh even when I feel that the world hates me, I can cheer people up, when I wasn't able to cheer my own self, I give advices to people who have problems when I wasn't able to do what will be right and what will be wrong. It's good at some part and it's bad as a whole, it good because my relationship will other people won't be affected and it is bad because i feel really helpless. Everytime I am so down, I just want to be alone, cry under my pillows and cry...ALOT! By means of crying I can release all my tensions, exhaustion, my anger and my problems. So I hate it when people don't cry as if they're saying that you are strong when you didn't cry. I
Last Wednesday, I really cried at our "pagsamba". I really felt Him. And I just want to send my thanks and greatfulness because God is so good, yes, there are times of ups and downs but He never leave me, even i didn't deserve His blessings because I am so a sinful person ,but He loves me and I love Him to!
So now, I am just a person trying and will be trying to be strong, with a mix of Faith! Courage! Confidence and LOVE!
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