Depressed....

These past few days I don't know what's happening to the world, I really do feel that the whole world hate me you know that? and I hate that awful feeling, first of all we lost a friend, I really don't know why on earth does she has to do that. It's just a simple matter because my one friend was jealous because Karren is not anymore joining us instead the others. I really do not know who is right and who is wrong, I really hate my Friday, I wish I could smile and laugh just my usual day would be, but I can't Mary Joy says that there is something different on me that day, she ask me why am I lonely and not giggling that time. I don't know everytime we were together I just stared at one spot and not knowing that I am thinking on deeper thoughts.
I really hate going to school when education friendship and everything was mixed up. You know, when you didn't have the guts to do what the right thing to do. I already talked to Karren and Aimee and ask them what was going on? It's just that they are so hard to be get along with anymore. Then Mrs. Jarabese found out what was happening to our group, we are really lucky to have an adviser like that. She is so good in giving advices to us. I really wish that everything will be alright. I really feel that we are going an friendship crisis. It is really hard to let go of someone, but I learned that if you really love that someone you will be happy on whatever things she's up to.
One thing more, I really wish that Ka helen will not be anymore angry with us. Because I still felt that she is still angry with us.
I really don't know, now, I heard many persons who are undergoing trials,I don't if that trials was the cause of our sins or just another test that God has put onto us. But I believe that God will not have trials to us if we will not be able to carry it. Sometimes I want to lose hope, that this life is so hopeless, I can't have the guts to be like Joan of arcadia, because I know that I don't have the knowledge and the guts to be like her. But hello? Does everybody required to be like her? I really dont' know if my personality is so unique that I am always making things worse. Thinking of the worse things that I am not be able to enjoy or doing the worse things so I can get into more trouble, I really hate that state of mind. I want to achieve more in this world and they say that you must study hard and strive really hard to earn money and live a life in this world. But a question popped out into my mind... What is the use of those things that made your face sweat when you won't be able to bring does things on HEAVEN or HELL *if ever* right? I really don't know what is the purpose of all these things. That's why I tend not to study hard because everytime that I am trying to do my best on one thing and I won't be able to get a high remarks with it, I really tend to lose hope about everything, and I tend to get irrritated, That's what I hate about myself.
I want to be a good person, so I can go to heaven.... but it is really hard......

Yesterday was a fascinating day for me, not only just because it is new year's eve because I was able to feel the presence of God, entering a paradise and most of all tasting delicious food. I really felt good yesterday at the church because I ask God's permission to guide throughout all this years. I know that I am not deserving to treat well by God despite all the sins that I have made but He is there and I know that He will guide me. I have faith in him. I wish That ka h will not be anymore angry with the juniors. Goodluck to her. Then after church we went to my mother's boss. Wow!!!! Breathtaking house. That's the first time I've entered a house with a tennis court and a swimming pool. I love the house everypart of it. It is just so beautiful and gorgeous. I wish that I could have a house like that someday And i promise myself that I will study really really hard to earn enough money. I really love it. And I really love eating! I love all the foods that I've eaten yesterday. And guess what I almost ate all! "Almost" only.

Then right after new Year. I wish....Yes I wish....... I wish that God that will guide me throughout the year......And the rest will stay with me.

Here are my New Year's resolution:
1. Be more active in church.
2. Study hard.
3. Don't eat junkfoods.
4. Minimize drinking of liquors containing carbonated waters.
5. Be a nice girl to mom.
6. (if able) Help with the household chores.
7. Will not care what I other people think (I hope!!!!)
8. Will always wash my face.
9. Will always wear slippers inside the house.
10. Will stand straight with correct POSTURE!!!!
11. Will not be anymore procrastinated.... (a big no! no!)
12. Will tragically put myself into GEOMETRY.
13. Will not tease my teachers....... umm....I am really bad this 2005.
14. Must have an inspiration......
15. ENHANCE MY PIANO TALENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
16. Be more responsible.
ALl in all I will make things better this 2006 and I will do my damn best in everything. I know that there will be hinders and I will not let them Block my path. I know that there will be bumpy rides for me but I will hold on.
Even though I slip I will still stand with the help of God!!!!!!!!!!!!

I want to make a difference in myself and other people......I want to influence people with my good deeds. Not I whom other people influences...... I want to gain more knowledge...... And I hope this feeling of determination and eagerness remains to me FOR THE RESt of my life...........!!!!! HAPPY AND GUDLUCK NEW YEAR TO EVERYBODY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I waited my mom and dad to go home this 2:00 am and I am so sleepy so I slept at our sofa and then they came but I didn't have the chance to chit-chat with them. Then I woke up at 8:00 there are so many places that we went through. The funny part is that when we are about to distribute the new year's gift to my father's comrade we ride into the army with no roof it is so cute because people are looking at us. And I am so ashamed, but I am more ashamed to myself because I remember when I was young me and my brother used to ride at that cute army jeep without thinking what would other people would think of me, and now.... i am really ashamed becauseI tend to feel quite uneasy whenever people are looking at me.
Then at the practice at the choir, I still notice the uneasiness that I felt with KH, I don't know I really deeply wish that everything between her and the juniors will be alright. I really felt that she is still angry with us and I am still bugging my conscience but not coming to the wedding. I really don't mean, I just forgot that there will be a wedding at the noon and I am still asleep.
And Lyka, said to Ate Karen the thing that AT says or whatever she says to us. That I think she has a point but she delivered it in a wrong sense of manner.

AND I AM DEEPLY SORRY ABOUT THE THINGS THAT HAPPEN TO ME. AND I AM SO SORRY GOD THAT I REPEATEDLY DIDN'T HAVE THE CHANCE TO FULFILL THE DUTY I AM OBLIGED TO DO. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.... I AM DEEPLY SORRY........................:-(

I hate my day yesterday., but first I will narrate the things that happened at our year-end socializing, well it turned out ok except for the rainy part thinggy. I love the performance of the Kabataan because they were so cute and there are good feedbacks from them, of course me and my other friend were very proud because we were the one who arranged and spare my precious times with them. Will the Binhi did well except when we are like statues at the stage because actually there are no choregraphy or actions that accompany that music. But still it is great. The thing that I hated in that part is when Lyka says that "she" thinks that were are influences by bad deeds. I don't know, it is just that "she" didn't has the right to judge anyone of us, and I think it is normal for us like teenagers to do stuffs like that. But overall it was fine.
THen yesterday was the worst, I slept after eating lunch and and woke up at 3:00 pm and gosh, I am a really bad girl, Lyka called me and asked me if I have the chance to go to the Wedding to sing!!!!! My holy.... I really totally absolutely forgot!!!! I didn't really remember that there will be a wedding, then at the church our, pianist was angry to us "juniors" because all of us won't be able to attend!!! There is only 3 of them who attend.
It's ok because it is our fault, but the irritating part is when this so boastful and very proud woman says that if we were about to get married then no one will sing for us. Right that moment I really want to reply on what she says. She is so mean. She thinks she is the most beautiful woman alive on this earth. I really hate her. There is something inside her that I really really don't like, I know that it is bad to say something about your brethren but it is true. I know I am beginning to be jugdemental, but it is only my opinion and I am only saying what I really see and feel about her attitudes. I admit that is she "slight" pretty but hello! what's the use of the that beauty if your attitude is rude. I really hate it when she says that, it seems that if shes saying that she is the most perfect person ever live in this world. I really don't like her. Wish that she will change her attitude.

Mom and Dad went to Baguio and today is the day that they were going home. I learn a lot of things, I learned how to cook (frying only) I am also obliged to wash the dishes. I realized that being a mom is very hard especially if you're children are bad. Am i really that bad? Now my new year's resolution are: Be a loving, good and faithful girl to God and to my family, Do your tungkulin with wholehearted heart and be able to fulfill the obligations that I am up to, Study triple hard! Love my brother and minimize my mocking to him! I will learn not to criticize to much other people, BE GOOD!.

I really wish that everything will be alright.

I hate it, I don't think our performances will be good enough tomorrow to please people. I started my day at 4:00 pm or my busy day should I say, WE are practicing for the year-end socializing and I think the kids are not ready enough. WIll us the binhi, took tons and tons of hours before our recording was finished, if only those stubborn and very naughty guys will cooperate then immediately we will soon finish the recording and one of the president of the committe will not be angry with us. I really hate it!!!!! One person I hate more is ******, well not totally hate but sometimes irritated with, she can't manage, control or even organize us. Plus she can't attend the year end socializing tomorrow because she has a family reunion. Oh for batman's sake. She is the president of our organization and she will not be there to guide us. She was entrusted to fulfill and do whole-heartedly her duties and she will excuse us that she will have a reunion. It only shows that she is not concern about what will happen tomorrow. I think if we spill out, we are not the only one who will receive the shame, but also of course the leader who is entrusted to organize, manage this event. I really wish that she develop her personality. Yes but sometimes, we are kind of on with other things well.

I really wish that the year-end socializing tomorrow will be happy and better......