Hocus Focus

I have been contemplating really hard for the past few weeks. As usual, I have been put under tremendous amount of stress and every end of the day I am so very thankful to God because He let me get through the whole day. I have been really blessed, really blessed. I have once again been at the Dean's List and got a full scholarship this semester. The thought that I could help my family financially at least lifts me up and gives me a thought that they could be proud of me. Add up that my brother, Kokoy, passed the UPCAT exams. People say that I bear grudges over him and it is quite the contrary, actually. I am so proud of my brother, at least he didn't made the BIGGEST mistake that I have done, hahaha. Oh! Enough of talks about UP. I have been living in regrets for almost I can remember and no matter what I do, I know that UP is not meant for me. I have been studying 2 years now at DLSU-D and I just have to accept the fact that my biggest dream in studying at UP is now as bleak as possible. All that I can do is do my best to achieve my dreams, of course with the help and guidance of the Lord, focus and focus.

Though sometimes, FAILURE=KIM. Sometimes, I feel that I was born to be a complete failure and laughing stock. Have anyone felt that? That you're fed up of trying and sick of motivating and encouraging yourself? I have been honed and molded as a really different human being, from my thoughts to my beliefs, I am completely honest that I am "out-of-this-world". But sometimes, I really need to get along to folks that really don't get me. Get it? Yeah, its complicated. I have to adapt to different climatic changes around me. The surrounding in Masci is totally different from the surrounding in DLSU-D. Yes, I know that that's a totally different world. But, let me tell you, being in Masci means a lot of being in college--competitive, etc. OH! How I wish I could undo things in my life and get them straight the way I want them to be. How I wish I CHOOSE my FRIENDS right.

As you may have notice, I still can't move on. I have been living a totally different life now, but I still can't move on from the past. I haunts me, actually. It haunts me to the very core. I need life, I need opportunities. I want to develop as a total human person and be active in this world. I hate mediocrity but I, myself, is a complete mediocre. Is there anything worse than that? I need peace of mind, I need calmness and I need love.